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To all my English speaking friends

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To all my English speaking friends

Postby Phil » 09 Oct 2016, 08:21

You think English is easy??
I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT!

Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) UPon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?


How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn UP as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,

so.......it is time to shut UP!

Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.

O, yes, and let’s not forget UP yours!
We don't stop woodworking because we grow old, we grow old because we stop woodworking!

https://www.instagram.com/phil_pretoria/
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Re: To all my English speaking friends

Postby Pinch » 09 Oct 2016, 10:03

Very clever and very good Phil and so true about the darn English folk :lol:

:text-bravo:
In my previous life, I was a tree.
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Re: To all my English speaking friends

Postby Andyp » 09 Oct 2016, 10:31

Clever Phil, Us brits abroard can have no end of fun with those learning to speak our language.

I think the word SET has more definitions than any other in the english language, over 100.

And for the Americans my daughter want to know how you managed to get from Kansas to Arkansas (Ah! Kansas)
I do not think therefore I do not am.

cheers
Andy
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Re: To all my English speaking friends

Postby RogerS » 09 Oct 2016, 11:09

Andyp wrote:......

I think the word SET has more definitions than any other in the english language, over 100.

....


I just had to check that out and I reckon you're right ! The entry in the BRB is the longest one that I've ever seen. Easily a 100, I reckon.

Then there is the pronunciation of -ough

I climbed the bough though I thought I had a cough so I went through the gate down to the lough but the walk was tough so I went back to have some hough.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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Re: To all my English speaking friends

Postby Andyp » 09 Oct 2016, 12:53

Of course you all now how to spell "fish" don't you?

For those that don't the answer is ghoti.

See if you can work it out without looking it up.
I do not think therefore I do not am.

cheers
Andy
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Re: To all my English speaking friends

Postby kirkpoore1 » 09 Oct 2016, 19:08

As George Carlin said: " Chocolatey...you know what that means? No f***g Chocolate!"

Kirk
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Re: To all my English speaking friends

Postby kirkpoore1 » 09 Oct 2016, 19:17

Andyp wrote:And for the Americans my daughter want to know how you managed to get from Kansas to Arkansas (Ah! Kansas)


You usually drive through Missouri or Oklahoma. :)

The funny thing is that the Arkansas River is pronounced like the state ("Ar-kan-saw") everywhere except in Kansas--where they pronounce it "Ar-kan-sas".

But really, as with so many things, we need to blame the French: http://www.businessinsider.com/why-we-pronounce-kansas-and-arkansas-differently-2014-2
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Re: To all my English speaking friends

Postby MartinF » 09 Oct 2016, 23:01

English pronunciation for foreigners

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you
Of hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
I write in case you wish perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird;
And dead: it’s said like bed, not bead!
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth in mother
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there
Nor dear for bear, of fear for pear.
There’s dose and rose, there’s also lose
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and work and sword,
And do and go, and thwart and cart –
Come, come, I’ve barely made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive,
I’d mastered it when I was five!

Or, alternatively

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
It’s letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew
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Re: To all my English speaking friends

Postby Phil » 10 Oct 2016, 06:27

Very good Martin :eusa-clap:
We don't stop woodworking because we grow old, we grow old because we stop woodworking!

https://www.instagram.com/phil_pretoria/
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