Oh do come along chaps... I do like a wave of wit, but that was all a bit ropey!
Ore even... dare I say it me ‘arties... perhaps knot!
Delivering the bar to the conference room on Monday was time consuming (bit like launching a ship in fact!), and a stack of brand new seats had been dumped in the bar area, plus, the chippies had fitted all the skirts around the walls where the bar was going when I specifically asked them not to. But hey-ho, there was no need for an SOS alarm as I was full steam ahead on a fish finger sarnie!
I was then a bit of a plonker later in the day. Long short of it; I stupidly left my phone case (consisting of mobile phone, debit cards, driving licence, membership cards etc) on the roof of my car and drove for two miles. Once realised, I retraced my route and saw it on the road in the middle of a traffic light junction. I hastily pulled over (although safely - I am training to be a coach driver you know!), jumped out of the car and grabbed it. Everything was thankfully there, but the phone was a bit smashed up. It could have been worse; I could have been driving a boat boom boom!
That evening, I then had to phone EE (my provider) for their advice, knowing I didn’t have any insurance on the handset. This is when I learnt that my contract expired back in February, yet I was still paying the contract monthly rate – I wasn’t happy.
I said to the rep over the phone: “So I’ve been paying the contract rate for 5 months when I could have been paying SIM only?”
Rep: “Yep.”
Me: “Why couldn’t EE have told me back in Feb?”
Rep: “We would have sent you a text message.”
Me: “Oh right... I never read EE text messages.”
(I will now!)
While we were talking, I was searching for a phone deal on the EE website and found one just right for my usage.
Me: “Okay, I’ll go with this one!” And quoted the deal to him.
With the deal now almost anchored
, the rep had to read the terms & conditions over the phone to me. Once he finished...
Me: “Two questions?”
Rep: “Go on.”
Me: “Can you read that again please?”
Rep: “And the second question?”
Me: “Name a female alpine skier from Germany?”
Rep: “Fanny Chmelar!”
Me: “Correct!”
Rep: “Anymore questions?”
Me: “Yes, one?”
Rep: “Go on.”
Me: “Why do I have to pay £6.95 to have my new phone delivered?”
Rep: “Company policy – everyone has to. Do you mind if I ask you a question?”
Me: “I don’t know any other alpine skiers!”
Rep: “Nothing like that... How are you fixed for home broadband?”
Me: “Well, we have it, but it’s not very good; slow connection, download can be painful... We're thinking about going over to another provider!”
Rep: “May I ask who you’re with?”
Me: “EE!”
Rep: “Ah B Jeez... you got me there! Are you serious?”
Me: “Absolutely! Check it out – it’s not good.”
Rep: “How about I give you an add-on half price deal with your new phone deal – a tablet perhaps?”
Me: “Already got one!”
Rep: "Do you share it with your wife?"
Me: "No, my wife is always on it - I never see the bloody thing!"
Rep: "Problem solved - have one for yourself?"
Me: "I don't want one!"
Rep: “Okay... I can offer you a free PlayStation?”
Me: “What am I going to do with that apart from sell it and I can’t be ar$ed?”
Slight pause...
Rep: “Okay... I’ve had a quick chat with my boss and we can exclude the postage fee and reduce your monthly plan by 25%?”
Me: "50% and you have a deal?"
Rep: "I can't do 50... 35%?"
Me: “And throw in a box of smoked kippers with a packet of Richmond sausages?”
Rep: “Urr, probably not.”
Me: Okay... ummmm... so, 45% off my monthly plan and no delivery postage?”
Rep: “35%!”
Me: “Ummmm... okay let’s do it.”
Rep: “Do you have any other questions?”
Me: “Yes, one!”
Rep: “Go on!!”
Me: “Are there colour options with the handset?”
Rep: “Black!”
Me: “No graphite grey?”
Rep: “No just black!”
Me: “Oh right................”
PAUSE.....
Rep: “Where are we with this Paul... do you want this feckin deal or not? – A B Jeez!”
Me: “Oi, don’t get blasphemous with me pal!”
Rep: “Sorry... can I post this deal to you tonight – done and dusted, sorted, finito, right now?”
Me: “Oh go on then you ole devil.”
Is there a moral to this little story... No not really; just an everyday occurrence of a pilgrim walking the path of life.
Arr me 'arties......
Batten down the 'atches.
Ahoy there yonder!
Is that land I sees before me eyes?
Aye it be that cap'n!
Ooo arrr ooo arrr me little beauties!
In my previous life, I was a tree.