• Hi all and welcome to TheWoodHaven2 brought into the 21st Century, kicking and screaming! We all have Alasdair to thank for the vast bulk of the heavy lifting to get us here, no more so than me because he's taken away a huge burden of responsibility from my shoulders and brought us to this new shiny home, with all your previous content (hopefully) still intact! Please peruse and feed back. There is still plenty to do, like changing the colour scheme, adding the banner graphic, tweaking the odd setting here and there so I have added a new thread in the 'Technical Issues, Bugs and Feature Requests' forum for you to add any issues you find, any missing settings or just anything you'd like to see added/removed from the feature set that Xenforo offers. We will get to everything over the coming weeks so please be patient, but add anything at all to the thread I mention above and we promise to get to them over the next few days/weeks/months. In the meantime, please enjoy!

A tad of mirth

Doug

Doug

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A friend sent me this, as I struggled to contain the coffee I had just quaffed & prevent my iPad being drenched I thought I'd share :lol: :lol:

IMG-20200413-WA0003.jpg
 
Man bought a pair of hamsters for his children, within six months he had dozens. A friend said to wring their necks and boil them up with a pound of plums and a pound of sugar per hamster, strain through muslin and bottle. So he did so but found the result disgusting so he spread it over his garden. To his amazement Two weeks later his garden was a carpet of golden daffodils because you usually get tulips from hamster jam
 
Malc2098":15lug0de said:
Man bought a pair of hamsters for his children, within six months he had dozens. A friend said to wring their necks and boil them up with a pound of plums and a pound of sugar per hamster, strain through muslin and bottle. So he did so but found the result disgusting so he spread it over his garden. To his amazement Two weeks later his garden was a carpet of golden daffodils because you usually get tulips from hamster jam
Click to expand...

Right! I don't normally pull rank, but THAT is outrageous and an official warning! Any more of that kind of nonsense and it will be a ban! :eusa-naughty:

:eusa-whistle: :lol:
 
TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
BASTARD TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Bastard' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

:D
 
:text-lol: Ain't that just the truth. To which I could add from the sailing fraternity :-

PETROL STOVE.
A useful device which, when used in conjunction with a suitable insurance policy, can be used to turn a fixed asset into cash.

WAKE.
a. The visible horizontal path of a boat through the water.
b. The ceremony held should that path become vertical.
 
MY63":1k0lxl7j said:
Malcolm that was so funny not much to laugh at round here recently in fact dare I say "NICE"
Click to expand...

Don't overdo it, Ole Son!
 
Love it!!!! :D

In fact, if it's him, he's a really good singer!
 
Malc2098":3a0qh7so said:
Love it!!!! :D

In fact, if it's him, he's a really good singer!
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I've looked at a few more and I think it is him, they have a family channel where they do all kinds of parody music videos.
 
Thanks - this thread was just what i needed :)

Now that my team are all working from home we have a 15min 'bonding call' first thing every morning and someone (usually me) has to tell a joke ...This thread has armed me with enough for the next week.

I have been getting quite a few from a FB group Dad Jokes England -its a good source

Thanks

Dave
 
The last couple of years, I've been relaxing by going fishing with my mate, Sam. Yesterday we thought we'd celebrate the easing of lockdown with an all-day fishing expedition. Then I made the mistake of showing SWMBO a photo of the fish that Sam caught and now I'm no longer allowed to go fishing with Sam :(

Fishing with Sam..jpg
 
OMG!!!!

Just heard about a woman who got attacked in the street and drilled in the head with a drill, WTF is this world coming to.

Poor woman was only walking down the road minding her own business next thing you know..

BOSCH...!
 
I was in my local before lockdown. A chap walked in with a starring wheel sticking out of his trousers.

I said, 'ere, d'you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your trousers?'.

He said, 'Yes. It's driving me nuts!'
 
Malc2098":2ceip611 said:
I was in my local before lockdown. A chap walked in with a starring wheel sticking out of his trousers.

I said, 'ere, d'you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your trousers?'.

He said, 'Yes. It's driving me nuts!'
Click to expand...

And then his wife walked in with a lettuce leaf sticking out the top of her knickers. And that was just the tip of the iceberg!
 
I hear there’s going to be a state funeral for Dame Vera Lynn, don’t know where don’t know when!
 
Opportunists.jpg


It is quite sad at the amount of corruption in the supply of PPE and overpricing by some of the stores.

Dischem, pharmacy chain, were fined ZAR1.2 million for inflating prices.
 
For the Facebook generation on this forum, here is a list of 10 little known facts about diarrhoea. No 2 will surprise you!
 
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