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A tad of mirth

Hang up your Chisels and Plane blades and take a load off with a recently turned goblet of your favourite poison, in the lounge of our Gentlemen's (and ladies) Club.

Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 22 May 2022, 10:12

Ok chaps, stop highjacking the thread, focus now and keep in line .........................



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We don't stop woodworking because we grow old, we grow old because we stop woodworking!

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 23 May 2022, 08:02

Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Vann » 23 May 2022, 18:31

Phil wrote:...
8. REMOTE CONTROL
Male.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Female... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


I've had to correct that last one for our household (or am I showing my feminine side :oops: :D )

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Doug » 03 Jun 2022, 14:56

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby flying haggis » 09 Jun 2022, 20:35

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Malc2098 » 09 Jun 2022, 22:17

Saw the brilliant Stand Up and Rock with Jasper Carrott and Bev Bevan at the weekend.

According to Jasper, there's so much drug taking and drug testing on sport nowadays.

Lawn bowls teams give urine samples………even if they don't mean to.
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 19 Jun 2022, 14:02

We don't stop woodworking because we grow old, we grow old because we stop woodworking!

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 22 Jun 2022, 19:49

In terms of DNA, a single sperm carries about 37.5 megabytes of data. This means, an average ejaculation transfers around 1,500 terabytes of data in seconds.

Now we know where all our brains have gone! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 02 Jul 2022, 12:52

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We don't stop woodworking because we grow old, we grow old because we stop woodworking!

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Cabinetman » 12 Sep 2022, 19:40

Sorry about the photo. Definitely need a drink for this sour bunch!
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Doug » 12 Sep 2022, 21:00

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Malc2098 » 16 Sep 2022, 09:27

While Mission Control and myself have been away, we used the park and ride.

"Two returns, please", I said to the driver.

"Where to?" he asked.

"Here, of course", I replied.

( :) Don't mess with us old 'uns)
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 16 Sep 2022, 18:57

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerS » 16 Sep 2022, 22:24

Cabinetman wrote:Sorry about the photo. Definitely need a drink for this sour bunch!
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You could repost nearer Christmas and ask folk to 'identify' which forum members they are :lol:
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 23 Oct 2022, 11:23

ASTROSIGNS

What’s your sign? Not astrological, but business. A new sign chart doing the rounds offer fresh insight into the character of your colleagues.

MARKETING

You are ambitious but stupid. You choose a marketing degree to avoid studying in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socialising, which is pretty much what you do know.

SALES

Laziest of all signs. Unless someone calls and begs you to take their money, you avoid contact with customers to “concentrate on the big picture”. You seek admiration for your golf game.

TECHNOLOGY

Unable to control your personal life, you like to control everything at your workplace. Even you sometimes don’t understand what you are saying.

ENGINEERING

One of only two signs that studied in school. You’re happy by yourself; your office is full of the latest ergodynamic gadgets.

ACCOUNTING

The other sign that studied. You are immune to office politics and are the most feared person in the company.

HUMAN RESOURCES

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you are the biggest gossip in the company. Possibly the only person who does less work than sales, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and mail a letter.

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

Catty, cutthroat yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain in your current job forever. Unable to make decisions, you measure your worth by the number of meetings you schedule for yourself. You’re likely to marry another middle manager because everyone in your social circle is one.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT

See above.



CONSULTANT

You use acronyms to avoid revealing your lack of experience. You have convinced yourself your “skills” are in demand and you could get a higher paying job with any company in a heartbeat. You’ll never do it.

CEO

You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems like the fax machine suggests the latter.

PUBLIC SERVANT

You are highly inventive, mainly in finding ways to take time off. You suffer from deep depression and often commit crimes while on the job.
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Andyp » 23 Oct 2022, 13:33

Back in my day Human Resources was known as Poison Hell ;) :)
I do not think therefore I do not am.

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Lurker » 23 Oct 2022, 13:43

Andyp wrote:Back in my day Human Resources was known as Poison Hell ;) :)


When I started work, it was called the wages office.
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby AJB Temple » 23 Oct 2022, 16:17

What is a fax machine?
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Andyp » 23 Oct 2022, 16:25

AJB Temple wrote:What is a fax machine?


There replaced the telex machine. :)
I do not think therefore I do not am.

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Malc2098 » 23 Oct 2022, 16:31

Andyp wrote:
AJB Temple wrote:What is a fax machine?


There replaced the telex machine. :)


We had to learn to use a telex machine to music! Old Tech!

Then some wag would put all the little punched out holes in your hat. What fun.
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 22 Nov 2022, 07:48

Malc2098 wrote:Then some wag would put all the little punched out holes in your hat. What fun.


It took ages to get rid of them from your clothes :lol:

Can any of you remember the old Hollerith machines? One of my first porgramming tasks was to write the programs for an ICL1500(?) that would get rid of the old Hollerith’s. This was in the late 60’s.

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I also learnt how to plug the machine and especially the punch card sorter. Drop a pack of punch cards and you were not popular.

The ICL had I recall 4 magnetic tape drives.

It was sometimes quicker to patch a program and write the code in machine code.

Then there was also the Burroughs B2500, NCR315, IBMS38 ………..

In those days you did contract work for one company daytime and another company evenings and weekends.
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Trevanion » 22 Nov 2022, 09:00

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Just4fun » 22 Nov 2022, 09:03

Phil wrote:
Malc2098 wrote:Can any of you remember the old Hollerith machines? One of my first porgramming [sic] tasks was to write the programs for an ICL1500(?) that would get rid of the old Hollerith’s. This was in the late 60’s.

That was before my time, but I am impressed by your memory. I first learnt to program in the late 70s, using punched cards and Algol 68R, but I cannot remember what the computer was or what device punched the cards. Or how to code in Algol.
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerS » 22 Nov 2022, 09:14

Back in the late '60's I was a weekend student at the local Sainsbury's branch. My main task on Saturday was to count the stock in the branch including the warehouse' in the basement and then to transcribe the figures with a fat black pencil onto those cards. Cross-checking with the expected stock levels on the weekly mainframe printout. Dead easy. I could knock that off very quickly, then retire to the empty staff dining room to do the cards, finish quickly and have a little kip.

Sometimes I confess my attention nd accuracy might slip and I would know that that had happened the following Friday evening when the manager would, beckon me with his finger and take me down to the basement where there might be a humungous stack of baked bean cases - my error telling the computer we'd sold hundreds and hundreds and so it wanted to restock. :oops:
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Andyp » 22 Nov 2022, 09:29

I joined ICL in 1980, punch card machines had long since gone but we used stacks of those old cards in the office as memo pads. Then It was all 1900 and 2900 mainframes IIRC with huge reel to reel tape drives and stonking great dumb terminals, all orange. The computer room was a great place to hang out. It had a false floor with miles of cable under and a lot of holes just the right size to fit a plastic coffee cup into so it was just level with the carpet tile surface. Hours spent knocking gold balls into those cups improved my putting no end. :)
Were you with ICL in the UK Phil?
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