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A tad of mirth

Hang up your Chisels and Plane blades and take a load off with a recently turned goblet of your favourite poison, in the lounge of our Gentlemen's (and ladies) Club.

Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerM » 30 Sep 2020, 18:12

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Malc2098 » 28 Oct 2020, 10:58

Just had a decorator in to do a bit of work. Turns out he's a BA pilot on furlough.

He made a lovely job of the landing.
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby flying haggis » 29 Oct 2020, 21:37

BREAKING NEWS:
Seven dinghies packed with refugees arrived on a beach at Weston-Super-Mare this morning.

Government sources said they are being returned to Wales immediately.
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby flying haggis » 29 Oct 2020, 21:40

This rule of 6 for family gatherings indoors is crazy.

We are a 7 person family unit.

We went to the pub yesterday.


They let our dog in but we had to tie grandad to the lampost outside.
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Mike G » 30 Oct 2020, 09:07

:lol: :lol: No, no, no......... :lol:
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Nico Adie » 30 Oct 2020, 09:26

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Doug » 31 Oct 2020, 09:19

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby droogs » 31 Oct 2020, 12:47

That gave me a chortle
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerM » 31 Oct 2020, 13:44

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Doug » 31 Oct 2020, 15:02

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerM » 31 Oct 2020, 20:27

Oh well! Here we go again :(

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerM » 01 Nov 2020, 12:34

BREAKING NEWS.

A lorry has shed its' load of Vick Vapour Rub outside Sainsbury's. Police say there will be no congestion for the next 12 hours.
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 02 Nov 2020, 11:20

Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
We don't stop woodworking because we grow old, we grow old because we stop woodworking!

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerM » 02 Nov 2020, 18:00

A variation on an old favourite :-

An English MP, a Welsh MP and a Scottish MP walk into a pub - and close it down! :cry:
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 13 Nov 2020, 11:20

On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The bumpkin said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The bumpkin replies, "No way dawg's in heat...she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."

The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.'

"No way,' the bumpkin says, 'dawg don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!'

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says,

"Go 'head. I always wanted me a police dawg."
We don't stop woodworking because we grow old, we grow old because we stop woodworking!

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerM » 16 Nov 2020, 18:56

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that £250 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.
"But Madam, this check is for only £50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!
Last edited by RogerM on 20 Nov 2020, 11:42, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: A tad of mirth more

Postby flying haggis » 19 Nov 2020, 18:04

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby droogs » 20 Nov 2020, 12:41

Just released press statement from Makita.
"In light of the recent rebranding at hitachi koki, Makita are pleased to announce a new factory to be located in Abergeveny for the production of an all new power tool range made especially for European markets. this new tool range will be known as the YAKIDA brand"
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby TrimTheKing » 21 Nov 2020, 01:21

droogs wrote:Just released press statement from Makita.
"In light of the recent rebranding at hitachi koki, Makita are pleased to announce a new factory to be located in Abergeveny for the production of an all new power tool range made especially for European markets. this new tool range will be known as the YAKIDA brand"


Haha very good.
Cheers
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 29 Nov 2020, 11:28

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerM » 29 Nov 2020, 11:44

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby droogs » 29 Nov 2020, 13:03

That is so true Phil
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby 9fingers » 21 Dec 2020, 20:16

How to Tame a Parrot
>
> 
>
> A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot
> had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
>
> Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and
> laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's
> attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft
> music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the
> bird's vocabulary.
>
> Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
> yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
> and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand,
> grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
>
> For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
> Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
> over a minute.
>
> Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to
> the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
> arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude
> language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
> transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my
> rude and unforgivable behavior."
>
> John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
>
> As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
> change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask
> what the turkey did?"
>
> And you thought there were no clean jokes left!
>
Information on induction motors here
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1dBTVXx ... sp=sharing
Email:motors@minchin.org.uk
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Pete Maddex » 22 Dec 2020, 19:29

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Pete
Let them eat static


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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Mike G » 22 Dec 2020, 19:33

You're going to have to help me with that one, Pete, I'm afraid. Who is that person?
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