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A tad of mirth

Hang up your Chisels and Plane blades and take a load off with a recently turned goblet of your favourite poison, in the lounge of our Gentlemen's (and ladies) Club.

Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Trevanion » 07 Aug 2021, 12:22

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Lurker » 07 Aug 2021, 17:05

50 years ago, a car instruction manual would explain how to adjust the tappets.
Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 09 Aug 2021, 09:29

Irish Railway Company
Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.



The signalmans exam
A man wants a job as a signalman on a small station on a single line in the north of Scotland.
He is told he must do an exam by the railway company.
A man comes to visit the box to give him the exam.
He is asked "what would you do if you had a train coming south and a train coming north"
He replied "set the signals to danger on the main control panel"
The examiner the asked "What if that did not work on the main panel"
He replied "I would use the switch on the master control box to set the signals to danger"
The examiner then asked "What if that did not work on the master control box"
He replied "I would run outside to the manual control levers and use them to set the signals to danger"
The examiner then asked "What if the control levers were jammed"
He replied "I would run and get my uncle Albert"
The examiner the asked "Why would you get him"
He replied "He's never seen a train crash before!"
We don't stop woodworking because we grow old, we grow old because we stop woodworking!

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerM » 09 Aug 2021, 10:16

An old woman, a young girl, a 4-star general and a young army officer got on a train. Shortly after it set off, it went into a tunnel and all the lights went out. There was a "Mwah" kissing sound followed by the sound of a sharp slap.

The old woman thought "that young officer just tried it on with the girl and she was having none of it".

The young girl thought "that young officer just kissed that old woman and she gave him what for! I wonder why he chose her instead of me?"

The general thought "that young officer just tried it on with that young girl, and she thought it was me and gave me a slap!"

The young officer thought "Perfect! That may be the last chance I ever have to kiss the back of my hand and slap a 4 star General!".
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Lurker » 26 Aug 2021, 12:37

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Malc2098 » 26 Aug 2021, 16:01

The wife has now taken up woodworking. The neighbour said, "I didn't know you're both carpenters"'.

I said, 'We've only just begun'. ;)
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Andyp » 26 Aug 2021, 16:04

Funny, I heard that joke only yesterday.
I do not think therefore I do not am.

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby 9fingers » 26 Aug 2021, 16:36

Might have been before that for all we know?

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Lurker » 26 Aug 2021, 17:14

It's a good hobby to have for when you can't get outside.

Rainy days and Mondays
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Andyp » 26 Aug 2021, 17:16

If you are sharing the workshop with the missus make sure she stays close to you.
I do not think therefore I do not am.

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Malc2098 » 26 Aug 2021, 17:59

Hats, coats, scarves and door, all of you!!! :lol:
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Andyp » 26 Aug 2021, 18:03

Oh Malc, we’ve only just begun
I do not think therefore I do not am.

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Lurker » 26 Aug 2021, 18:09

Malc2098 wrote:Hats, coats, scarves and door, all of you!!! :lol:


It's going to take some time
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerM » 26 Aug 2021, 19:53

Malc2098 wrote:Hats, coats, scarves and door, all of you!!! :lol:


So what do you expect me to do? Sing? Sing a song? :eusa-doh:
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Malc2098 » 26 Aug 2021, 20:35

It's gone quiet....there's a kind of hush....
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby droogs » 26 Aug 2021, 20:59

all over the world?
tonight?
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerM » 03 Sep 2021, 10:50

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby RogerM » 04 Sep 2021, 20:03

It's great news that ABBA is getting back together. A mate of mine said he heard them rehearsing and they were incredibly loud. He said you could hear the drums from Nando's.

OK, I'll get my coat :oops:
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Malc2098 » 04 Sep 2021, 20:08

RogerM wrote:It's great news that ABBA is getting back together. A mate of mine said he heard them rehearsing and they were incredibly loud. He said you could hear the drums from Nando's.

OK, I'll get my coat :oops:


...and your hat and scarf!!!!! :lol:
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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Andyp » 05 Sep 2021, 06:35

I was wondering how old the members of ABBA are. One of them was Bjorn before the others.
I do not think therefore I do not am.

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby TrimTheKing » 08 Sep 2021, 00:09

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 10 Sep 2021, 07:58

We don't stop woodworking because we grow old, we grow old because we stop woodworking!

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 19 Sep 2021, 12:17

Our petrol price is getting out of hand .................


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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Malc2098 » 19 Sep 2021, 14:41

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Re: A tad of mirth

Postby Phil » 19 Sep 2021, 14:48

An old one ...............


A Curry Tasters Report

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

______________________________________

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Paul: Holy sh*t!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they even begin to think this tastes like food.

____________________________________________

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE:Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking p*ss off a thistle.

____________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.

____________________________________________

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. bi*ch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

____________________________________________

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.

____________________________________________

Curry # 6:Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping from my ars*hole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with a red hot poker and I've just sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I thought. I Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a*s with a snow cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my ars*hole will go down for a drink of water.

____________________________________________

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.

____________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Paul: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report )
We don't stop woodworking because we grow old, we grow old because we stop woodworking!

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