• Hi all and welcome to TheWoodHaven2 brought into the 21st Century, kicking and screaming! We all have Alasdair to thank for the vast bulk of the heavy lifting to get us here, no more so than me because he's taken away a huge burden of responsibility from my shoulders and brought us to this new shiny home, with all your previous content (hopefully) still intact! Please peruse and feed back. There is still plenty to do, like changing the colour scheme, adding the banner graphic, tweaking the odd setting here and there so I have added a new thread in the 'Technical Issues, Bugs and Feature Requests' forum for you to add any issues you find, any missing settings or just anything you'd like to see added/removed from the feature set that Xenforo offers. We will get to everything over the coming weeks so please be patient, but add anything at all to the thread I mention above and we promise to get to them over the next few days/weeks/months. In the meantime, please enjoy!

A tad of mirth

There were three Indian squaws.
One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
 
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Ok, I am on my way out.
 
I tripped over in the tailors shop yesterday.

Did they drag you up?

No, they fitted me up with a three piece suit.
 
Last edited:
Cabinetman said:
I have a feeling that that’s the Kray twins, didn’t know they were into woodworking? Nailing people to things maybe?
Click to expand...
I reckon you’ll find it’s from ‘Goodfellas’. Those guys didn’t have nail guns… just plain, simple shooters. Actually, it’s a good film and well worth hunting out.
 
A letter recently received at a local Highway Authority.

To whom it may concern,

Over the last few years, the condition of the road surfaces in the local area has eroded to such an extent that as I drive my tractor on those roads between different parts of my farm, it has been playing havoc with my haemorrhoids.

I have been using Preparation H for a few years now, but it still doesn’t seem to have helped.

In sheer desperation I went to my GP who has suggested I tried suppositories.

For all the good they have done, I might as well have shoved them up my bum.

Which is where I suggest you put this letter to give you an idea of what your roads feel like!

Yours

Uncomfortable of Chalfont St Giles
 
UP

You think English is easy??

I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT!

Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) UPon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn UP as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is UP

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.


People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,

so.......it is time to shut UP!

Now it's UP to you what you do with these thoughts.


O, yes, and let’s not forget UP yours!
 
And hears another won:)

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you
Of hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
I write in case you wish perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird;
And dead: it’s said like bed, not bead!
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth in mother
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there
Nor dear for bear, of fear for pear.
There’s dose and rose, there’s also lose
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and work and sword,
And do and go, and thwart and cart –
Come, come, I’ve barely made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive,
I’d mastered it when I was five!
 
A slightly different vein, but one of my favourites:

"Poetical Economy" - Futility Closet

What hours I spent of precious time, What pints of ink I used to waste, Attempting to secure a rhyme To suit the public taste, Until I found a simple plan Which makes the lamest lyric scan! When I’ve a syllable de trop, I cut it off without apol. This verbal sacrifice, I know, May irritate the...
www.futilitycloset.com
 
My car wouldn’t start this morning - I turned the key but nothing happened at all.

On opening the bonnet (like I’d have any idea what to do) I was surprised to see a bat hanging, upside down, from the raised lid.
I was absolutely amazed when he spoke; telling me what a handsome fellow I am.

Then it dawned on me:




Bat-flattery.
 
Back in the 70s, I got backstage tickets for the band, Earth, Wind and Fire.

I got to meet Earth and Fire in the green room.

Afterwards, I passed Wind in the corridor.
 
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