• Hi all and welcome to TheWoodHaven2 brought into the 21st Century, kicking and screaming! We all have Alasdair to thank for the vast bulk of the heavy lifting to get us here, no more so than me because he's taken away a huge burden of responsibility from my shoulders and brought us to this new shiny home, with all your previous content (hopefully) still intact! Please peruse and feed back. There is still plenty to do, like changing the colour scheme, adding the banner graphic, tweaking the odd setting here and there so I have added a new thread in the 'Technical Issues, Bugs and Feature Requests' forum for you to add any issues you find, any missing settings or just anything you'd like to see added/removed from the feature set that Xenforo offers. We will get to everything over the coming weeks so please be patient, but add anything at all to the thread I mention above and we promise to get to them over the next few days/weeks/months. In the meantime, please enjoy!

A tad of mirth

A cabbie picks up a nun, she notices that the very handsome cab driver doesn't stop looking at her.

She asks him, “why are you staring at me?”

He replies, “ I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you”.

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you are as old as I am and have been a nun for as long as I have , you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there is nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive

“Well”, says the cabbie, “I've always had a fantasy to have a kiss from a nun”.

She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that. But you have to be single and you have to be Catholic”.

The driver is very excited and says, “Yeah, I'm single and I'm Catholic!”

“Okay", says the nun, “pull into the next lay-by”.

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road the cab drive starts crying.

“My dear child”, says the nun, “Why are you crying?”

The cabbie says,“Forgive me, I've sinned, I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish”.

The nun says,”That's OK, my name's Steve and I'm going to a Halloween party...”
 
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One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy,

Five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret never to be told,

Eight for a wish, nine for a kiss, ten for a chance you must not miss,

Eleven for a wasp, twelve for a bee, thirteen for coffee, fourteen for tea,

Fifteen for a pencil, sixteen for a pen, seventeen to hear these options again,

Eighteen for pepper, nineteen for salt, twenty for an accident in which you're not at fault,

Twenty-one for Jerry, Twenty-two for Tom, Twenty-three where are all these magpies coming from?

Twenty-five no seriously, thirty this is weird, forty-eight why have all these magpies suddenly appeared?

Sixty-two please stop, seventy-one save yourselves and run, ninety-nine the magpie invasion has begun,

Two hundred no more sorrow, five hundred no more fears, one thousand is how long the Magpie Empire lasts in years.
 
Saw this on a listing on Temu.

e27c581c-9b8b-4f16-ae8b-ed0cb7a5fec0.jpg
 
Alasdair said:
Was down at the beach this evening. There was a French guy at the harbour showing me his boats. He said this is un, this is duex this is trois, this is quatre, this is six. I asked where is 5 he shrugged and said cinq....

I'll get my coat.
Click to expand...
When my eldest was about 4 he came home from school with a joke in similar vein.

For cats wanted to swim across a river. Only three made it across. Why? Une, deux, trois, cat sank.
 
See if you can do this. Read each line without making any mistakes.
If you make a mistake you have to start over.

This is the cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dummy cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now , go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
 
Phil said:
See if you can do this. Read each line without making any mistakes.
If you make a mistake you have to start over.

This is the cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dummy cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now , go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
Click to expand...
Think you need to change the first line round a bit. Haha
 
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the
railroadtracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me
a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South
Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe
which does not... oh what the hell... Sure, the Koala Bear racing is
everyTuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All
South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
 
Steve Maskery said:
One of our neighbours is a drummer in a jazz band. He's just become a father to triplets. They are all girls and he's calling them all "Anna".
Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 1 2 3 4

S
Click to expand...
I think that's got to be a final warning, Steve. :D :D
 
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?"

Having already had a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest he says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
 
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he
went to the market looking for a rooster. He was
hoping he could get a special rooster - one that
could service all of his many hens and when he
told this to the market vendor, the vendor
replied: "I have just the rooster for you".
Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever
see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before
setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave
Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said,"I'm
counting on you to do your stuff". And without a
word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each
hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking
and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished
having his way with each hen.

But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the
barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and
still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the
same. The farmer, watching all of this with
disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill
yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each
farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and
saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were
up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long
tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling
above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor
thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed
yourself. I warned you my little buddy". "Shhhhh"
Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer"
 
You've always had an eye for the picture, Pete. What did the whole sticker say?
I once stayed the night in a house that was used in a Bernard Cribbins film where a Gazunda was thown out into thes cobblsd street below. Back of the Minster.
S
 
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