• Hi all and welcome to TheWoodHaven2 brought into the 21st Century, kicking and screaming! We all have Alasdair to thank for the vast bulk of the heavy lifting to get us here, no more so than me because he's taken away a huge burden of responsibility from my shoulders and brought us to this new shiny home, with all your previous content (hopefully) still intact! Please peruse and feed back. There is still plenty to do, like changing the colour scheme, adding the banner graphic, tweaking the odd setting here and there so I have added a new thread in the 'Technical Issues, Bugs and Feature Requests' forum for you to add any issues you find, any missing settings or just anything you'd like to see added/removed from the feature set that Xenforo offers. We will get to everything over the coming weeks so please be patient, but add anything at all to the thread I mention above and we promise to get to them over the next few days/weeks/months. In the meantime, please enjoy!

A tad of mirth

Is it me or do some Americans make words up as they talk, or extend words to sound more intelligent.
 
Malc2098":31eag1h1 said:
Jr t'aime, je pense. :)

[youtubessl]PguPq2SphYU[/youtubessl]
Click to expand...

Having just spoke to a mate about giving up on the more physical sports to play more golf that made me smile
;) :D

In this house I’m the only one who has ever heard of Frankie Howerd. Up Pompeii anyone? They dont make them like that anymore :)
 
Electric Chair

Allan got a job on the railways collecting tickets
One night while collecting tickets a group of youths harassed him so much
that he had to take matters into his own hands and get violent with them
Unfortunately he gave one kid such a beating the kid dies
Allan was sentenced to death via the electric chair

On the day
Allan was strapped into the chair in-front of a small audience
the executioner set the control to 500volts and pulled the switch
Allan sat there unscathed with no reaction.
The executioner then set the control to 1000volts and pulled the switch.
Allen still sat there with no reaction
The executioner then set the control to 1500volts and pulled the switch
Still no reaction
The executioner then set the control to 2000volts and pulled the switch
Still Nothing
The executioner then set the control to 3000volts and pulled the switch
Still nothing

The executioner says gee I don't understand they are usually dead by now

Allan's boss who was in the audience yells out

"Well he never was a good CONDUCTOR"
 
Your Yearly Dementia Test


Your Yearly Dementia Test! (only 4 questions this year)


This one has some different questions than last year.


Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.


Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert.
If you don’t use it, you will lose it !!
The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve answered.


#1. What do you put in a toaster ?




Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself. ;
If you said, bread, go to Question #2.


# 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink ?


Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.
Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World.


However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.




# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from ?


Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.


If you said 'green bricks', why
are you still reading this ? ; PLEASE, go and lie down !


But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.




# 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating:


You are driving a bus from Jurong to Changi.
at Bukit Batok, 17 people got on the bus.


At Clementi, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
At Outram, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
At Marine Parade, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
And at Eunos, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.


You then arrive at Changi.


Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver ?




Answer: Oh, for crying out loud !


Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!


:lol: :lol:
 
W9Bjy6L.png
 
Spied this slogan on the side of a drain cleaning lorry yesterday.

“We’re number 1 in the number 2 business”

Tickled me.
 
Morning Andy

You'll probably like 'Stool Bus', seen on a tanker in similar livery to the American school busses.

Cheers

Dave
 
When we lived in Capel the sewerage company that emptied our klargester were called Suck-Cess.

Based in Farnham I think. Also had on the lorry "no job too big"
 
This is absolutely stolen off the interweb. And after all the hard work our Mod/Admin team have done and are doing, it's time to have a little giggle. Well, mainly the grammar nazis among us might.

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
 
Sadly, yesterday the writer of the 'Hokey Kokey' died peacefully at his home.

The undertakers were doing alright………until they tried to get his left leg in.






:)
 
An assortment of facts that will take you only a minute to read.
  1. Ephebiphobia (Fear of teenagers). Is it really a phobia, or is it common sense? The band My Chemical Romance seemed to make a strong argument for the latter way back in 2006. People with ephebiphobia may perceive teenagers as out of control or dangerous and believe they are rude, unpredictable and do not follow rules.
  2. Ergophobia (Fear of work). Every office knows a poor soul suffering from this particular phobia. People with ergophobia tend to have extreme anxieties associated with their place of work or work environment. Some may have a fear of manual labour or the act of working itself, while others can have a fear of finding a job.
  3. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (Fear of long words). Whoever came up with this word was clearly also involved in the insertion of the letter s in lisp and the triple t in stutter. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is not only the word for the fear of long words, but also the record holder for the longest word in the dictionary. The next time you need to explain what irony is, feel free to use this as an example.
  4. Arachibutyrophobia (Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth). The severity of arachibutyrophobia varies from person to person. Some with this condition may be able to eat small amounts of peanut butter, but others will completely avoid eating peanut butter or anything with a similar consistency.
  5. Plutophobia (Fear of money). Most of us probably wish we had more money, but for those suffering from plutophobia, that would be a punishment. People with plutophobia may fear wealthy people or fear becoming wealthy themselves. They generally dread money and having to deal with it. Plutophobia sufferers may even go so far as to sabotage their own careers to avoid making more money or becoming wealthy.
 
A man is just about to walk into a pub in Dublin whenhe notices that there is a Nun standing outside.

"Do NOT enter that pub!", she says to him. "That pub is a den of iniquity, alcohol destroys your brain and that place is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord!".

"Excuse me?, replies the fella. "What right do you have to tell me I can't enjoy a quiet pint?"

"That place is hell incarnate and you must not enter!".

"Have you even ever had a drink?", asks the fella. "If you haven't, you have no right to preach to me."

"I've never tasted alcohol in my life and it would be a sin to do so".

"Well you can't preach to me unless you've actually tried it for yourself. Have one drink, see if you like it and then you can pontificate. What would you like to try?".

"Hmm", says the Nun."I don't know. What do ladies usually drink?".

"Gin", says the fella, "Try a gin".

"Alright", says the Nun, "I'll try gin, but get it in a cup so nobody will know".

So the fella goes into the pub and asks the Landlord for a Guinness and "a double gin, please, but serve it in a teacup".

"Ach,", says the Landord, "Is that bloody Nun outside again?".
 
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself “That's the last thing I need."

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Whatever you do, always give 100%--unless you're donating blood.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.

A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
 
"Ding dong, this is your Captain speaking. Those of you on the lefthand side of the plane may have noticed that one of the engines has caught fire. There is no cause for alarm. The fire is now out and we can fly perfectly well on three engines. Please sit back, relax and enjoy yourselves. The cabin service will be starting shortly."

"Ding dong, this is your Captain speaking. Well, I never. Those of you on the righthand side of the plane may have noticed that one of the engines on that side has also caught fire. There is no cause for alarm. The fire is now out and we can fly perfectly well on two engines. Please sit back and relax and enjoy yourselves. The inflight movie will be starting shortly."

"Ding dong, this is your Captain speaking. Gosh, I don't know what to say. Those of you on the lefthand side of the plane may have noticed that the other engine has also caught fire. This has never happened to me before but there is still no cause for alarm. The fire is now out and we can fly perfectly well on one engine. Please sit back, relax and enjoy yourselves. Complimentary drinks will shortly be coming through the cabin."

"Ding dong, this is your Captain speaking. Those on you on the righthand side of the aircraft, if you look out of the window you will see a small dinghy on the sea. I am speaking to you from that dinghy."



Ten bonus House points for anyone who can tell me the provenece of this joke
 
in an attempt to cheer me up having been laid low for a few days with covid my daughter sent me this clip of a poem that I learnt at school and have been reciting to my kids for years. I remember seeing a cruder version somewhere but can’t find it on Utube.
The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God by J Milton Hayes
 
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