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Hi all and welcome to TheWoodHaven2 brought into the 21st Century, kicking and screaming! We all have Alasdair to thank for the vast bulk of the heavy lifting to get us here, no more so than me because he's taken away a huge burden of responsibility from my shoulders and brought us to this new shiny home, with all your previous content (hopefully) still intact! Please peruse and feed back. There is still plenty to do, like changing the colour scheme, adding the banner graphic, tweaking the odd setting here and there so I have added a new thread in the 'Technical Issues, Bugs and Feature Requests' forum for you to add any issues you find, any missing settings or just anything you'd like to see added/removed from the feature set that Xenforo offers. We will get to everything over the coming weeks so please be patient, but add anything at all to the thread I mention above and we promise to get to them over the next few days/weeks/months. In the meantime, please enjoy!
A tad of mirth
- Thread starter Doug
- Start date
Phil
Old Oak
Phil
Old Oak
Trevanion
Old Oak
Phil
Old Oak
The priest and the politician
After twenty-five years in the same parish, Father O'Shaunessey was saying his farewells at his retirement dinner. An eminent member of the congregation – a leading politician – had been asked to make a presentation and a short speech, but was late arriving.
So the priest took it upon himself to fill the time, and stood up to the microphone:
"I remember the first confession I heard here twenty-five years ago and it worried me as to what sort of place I'd come to... That first confession remains the worst I've ever heard. The chap confessed that he'd stolen a TV set from a neighbour and lied to the police when questioned, successfully blaming it on a local scallywag. He said that he'd stolen money from his parents and from his employer; that he'd had affairs with several of his friends' wives; that he'd taken hard drugs, and had slept with his sister and given her VD. You can imagine what I thought. However, I'm pleased to say that as the days passed I soon realised that this sad fellow was a frightful exception and that this parish was indeed a wonderful place full of kind and decent people."
At this point the politician arrived and apologised for being late, and keen to take the stage, he immediately stepped up to the microphone and pulled his speech from his pocket:
"I'll always remember when Father O'Shaunessey first came to our parish," said the politician, "In fact, I'm pretty certain that I was the first person in the parish that he heard in confession."
After twenty-five years in the same parish, Father O'Shaunessey was saying his farewells at his retirement dinner. An eminent member of the congregation – a leading politician – had been asked to make a presentation and a short speech, but was late arriving.
So the priest took it upon himself to fill the time, and stood up to the microphone:
"I remember the first confession I heard here twenty-five years ago and it worried me as to what sort of place I'd come to... That first confession remains the worst I've ever heard. The chap confessed that he'd stolen a TV set from a neighbour and lied to the police when questioned, successfully blaming it on a local scallywag. He said that he'd stolen money from his parents and from his employer; that he'd had affairs with several of his friends' wives; that he'd taken hard drugs, and had slept with his sister and given her VD. You can imagine what I thought. However, I'm pleased to say that as the days passed I soon realised that this sad fellow was a frightful exception and that this parish was indeed a wonderful place full of kind and decent people."
At this point the politician arrived and apologised for being late, and keen to take the stage, he immediately stepped up to the microphone and pulled his speech from his pocket:
"I'll always remember when Father O'Shaunessey first came to our parish," said the politician, "In fact, I'm pretty certain that I was the first person in the parish that he heard in confession."
Woodbloke
Sequoia
RogerM
Nordic Pine
There is a Tim Vine Joke Appreciation Group on Facebook. There has been a weak thread running based on this "Spoonerism". "Rumours of a food shortage at the annual spoonerism awards turned out to be a lack of pies."
All I said was "Reminds me of next door's moggie. He's called Cooking Fat, or at least I think that's what our neighbour calls him. :eusa-think: " I've now been banned for 14 days! :lol:
Incidentally, this comment by someone else was deemed acceptable "I asked the lady in boots for a deodorant She said ball type? I said no it’s for under my arms".
Please don't ban me! OK, I'll get my coat!
All I said was "Reminds me of next door's moggie. He's called Cooking Fat, or at least I think that's what our neighbour calls him. :eusa-think: " I've now been banned for 14 days! :lol:
Incidentally, this comment by someone else was deemed acceptable "I asked the lady in boots for a deodorant She said ball type? I said no it’s for under my arms".
Please don't ban me! OK, I'll get my coat!
Our cat was called Trex for just that reason! 
flying haggis
Sapling
- Joined
- Oct 1, 2019
- Messages
- 261
- Reaction score
- 2
Thank god its not a jeremy vine appreciation group...........................
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.
As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.
As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
Trevanion
Old Oak
Trevanion
Old Oak
RogerS":1lfg5697 said:
Fine, I'll explain it :lol:
You fall off building, bad.
It turns out you don't feel any pain after falling off the building, OK.
Wait a minute, you don't feel any pain (I.E. paralysed), bad.
Trevanion
Old Oak
[youtubessl]Uq7L-CYamww[/youtubessl]
flying haggis
Sapling
- Joined
- Oct 1, 2019
- Messages
- 261
- Reaction score
- 2
Trevanion":2pz8jah9 said:
painful to watch (but funny..)
AJB Temple
Sequoia
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2019
- Messages
- 7,713
- Reaction score
- 1,195
Our lane has a restriction for trucks as it is narrow and there are two blind and sharp corners and a rail crossing right after a corner as well. Trucks can only drive along if they require access to a property on the lane. And we have our own lane police....there is a gentleman of mature years who likes to sit out in his electric scooter chair, come rain or shine, at the end of his drive and chat to people he knows (basically everyone). He stops trucks by planting his wheelchair in the lane. He then politely enquires if they have seen the sign and which property they are delivering to. If they are not kosher, he insists on getting their details and noting them down and ringing their boss. This can take absolutely ages and ages. The drivers don't risk it again.
It does inconvenience residents a bit sometimes, but nowhere near as much as having a 40ft container lorry stuck on a corner. It's a good hobby :lol:
It does inconvenience residents a bit sometimes, but nowhere near as much as having a 40ft container lorry stuck on a corner. It's a good hobby :lol:
Phil
Old Oak
Male or Female non-living objects...
You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.
FREEZER BAGS: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object. Because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ass.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and they retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male. Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male. Because in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male....but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.
FREEZER BAGS: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object. Because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ass.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and they retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male. Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male. Because in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male....but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
flying haggis":qfisw3y6 said:
To be fair to her (do we know it's a she as I couldn't make out the face TBH ?), it does look as if that verge could be pretty boggy and if her car hasn't got a well-balanced weight distribution then wheel spin ?
flying haggis
Sapling
- Joined
- Oct 1, 2019
- Messages
- 261
- Reaction score
- 2
What? if the driver had of stuck to the road there wouldnt have been a problem, but weaving about randomly in reverse does make me wonder what the driver is like going forwards as well.RogerS":2rdgk2e0 said:
Cars have mirrors for a reason!
I met one at a local garage trying to get petrol. He'd driven up to the pump assuming the petrol cap was driver side. Got out. Realised the petrol cap was not on the driver side. Wandered round the rear of the car to check it was on the nearside (I guess in case the fairies had hidden it underneath the car or somesuch). Then walked back round to the drivers side to reposition the car at another pump and promptly got into the back seat and shut the door. Then re-opened the door and got into the front seat.
HOJ
Sapling
This is a regular occurrence for me, spent 15 minutes the other day whilst a watching a "driver" reverse ricochet off the banks towards the far end of this road, 
which leads to my workshop, had one the other week "driver" got out in the end so passenger "driver" took over, then shouted all sorts of obscenities at me as I got past her, for embarrassing themselves!
which leads to my workshop, had one the other week "driver" got out in the end so passenger "driver" took over, then shouted all sorts of obscenities at me as I got past her, for embarrassing themselves!
Back in February I had to reverse off the Eurotunnel shuttle. We were only one wagon from the front. I reversed out on just wing mirrors without touching the wee kerbs once. The car in front of me was bouncing off everything in sight much to my and the Eurotunnel’s staff amusement.
:lol:
:eusa-clap:
I saw a link the other day to a Guardian web article about Alberto Fernandez bringing up Las Malvinas the other day. Rather than derail the joke thread I thought of this
as the real reason the Falkland Islands shouldnt be renamed.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=42_oWaWsiYs
It's a little sweary but in a good intentetioned way. It's not offensive.
as the real reason the Falkland Islands shouldnt be renamed.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=42_oWaWsiYs
It's a little sweary but in a good intentetioned way. It's not offensive.
Phil
Old Oak
Phil
Old Oak
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people....
but none of them work.
How do you make holy water?
You take some water & boil the hell out of it.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “what’s your favourite kind of music?”
The other says, “I'm a big metal fan”.
Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yester-day…
but couldn't find any.
What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind?
A maybe.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
If and when everything is coming your way.....
you're in the wrong lane.
She had a photographic memory…
but never developed it.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?
I don't know and don't really care.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain trans-plant.....
but then I changed my mind.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland, of course, it’s Dublin everyday.
My ex-wife still misses me....
but her aim is starting to improve.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a.....
No-bell prize.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought....
“that’s the last thing i need !”
Need an ark???
I Noah guy.
I used to be indecisive.....
Now I'm not so sure.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me that......
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing. But, it let out a little whine.
What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary?
A Thesaurus, of course.
Last, but not least,
What happens when you boil a funny bone?
You get a laughing stock
Enjoy your day
:lol: :lol:
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people....
but none of them work.
How do you make holy water?
You take some water & boil the hell out of it.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “what’s your favourite kind of music?”
The other says, “I'm a big metal fan”.
Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yester-day…
but couldn't find any.
What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind?
A maybe.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
If and when everything is coming your way.....
you're in the wrong lane.
She had a photographic memory…
but never developed it.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?
I don't know and don't really care.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain trans-plant.....
but then I changed my mind.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland, of course, it’s Dublin everyday.
My ex-wife still misses me....
but her aim is starting to improve.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a.....
No-bell prize.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought....
“that’s the last thing i need !”
Need an ark???
I Noah guy.
I used to be indecisive.....
Now I'm not so sure.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me that......
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing. But, it let out a little whine.
What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary?
A Thesaurus, of course.
Last, but not least,
What happens when you boil a funny bone?
You get a laughing stock
Enjoy your day
:lol: :lol:
RogerM
Nordic Pine
Woodbloke
Sequoia
Tractors, sex, porn and a (late) MP help Roger? :lol: - RobRogerS":33xwagl4 said:
Steve Maskery
Old Oak
Eric the Viking was doing his shopping in Tesco, when he saw a little old lady in a wheelchair. She was struggling to reach the upper shelves.
"May I help you?", asked Eric.
"I'm trying to reach the cheesecake and ice cream, but it's too high up and my husband is outside parking the car."
"No problem", replies Eric the Viking, I'll help you, So he takes her basket off her, picks her up in his arms and puts her on his back, carrying her all along the aisle. When she had all her apple pies, trifle and other goodies, he swept her back to her wheelchair, where her husband was standing, puzzled.
Eric the Viking turned to go. "Wait!", said the little old lady. "How can I thank you? I don't even know who you are." But Eric the Viking just smiled, waved and disappeared.
"I saw your empty wheelchair and was worried", said her husband. "Where have have you been?".
And his wife replied...
"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name".
It was told to me (by DaveR) as Olaf the Viking, but it seemed more fun to to rename him
"May I help you?", asked Eric.
"I'm trying to reach the cheesecake and ice cream, but it's too high up and my husband is outside parking the car."
"No problem", replies Eric the Viking, I'll help you, So he takes her basket off her, picks her up in his arms and puts her on his back, carrying her all along the aisle. When she had all her apple pies, trifle and other goodies, he swept her back to her wheelchair, where her husband was standing, puzzled.
Eric the Viking turned to go. "Wait!", said the little old lady. "How can I thank you? I don't even know who you are." But Eric the Viking just smiled, waved and disappeared.
"I saw your empty wheelchair and was worried", said her husband. "Where have have you been?".
And his wife replied...
"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name".
It was told to me (by DaveR) as Olaf the Viking, but it seemed more fun to to rename him
Malc2098
Sequoia
I dare you to watch this without smiling!
[youtubessl]y-cZKW9s5YM[/youtubessl]
https://youtu.be/y-cZKW9s5YM
[youtubessl]y-cZKW9s5YM[/youtubessl]
https://youtu.be/y-cZKW9s5YM
Daughter loved that Malc, thanks.
Eldest has just got back from a week with her cousins in the Netherlands. She brought me back some of that dutch cheese that is made backwards. Delicious.
Eldest has just got back from a week with her cousins in the Netherlands. She brought me back some of that dutch cheese that is made backwards. Delicious.
Steve Maskery
Old Oak
C'mon, Malc, surely you can find é ????
And a circumflex? And... oh, never mind.
Good gag though.
And a circumflex? And... oh, never mind.
Good gag though.
Steve Maskery
Old Oak
No customs problems? I'm going to France next week and was thinking of taking some Stilton as a gift, but my understanding is that dairy is now the equivalent of a hand grenade. Am I mistaken?Andyp":2w1uynoh said:
S