• Hi all and welcome to TheWoodHaven2 brought into the 21st Century, kicking and screaming! We all have Alasdair to thank for the vast bulk of the heavy lifting to get us here, no more so than me because he's taken away a huge burden of responsibility from my shoulders and brought us to this new shiny home, with all your previous content (hopefully) still intact! Please peruse and feed back. There is still plenty to do, like changing the colour scheme, adding the banner graphic, tweaking the odd setting here and there so I have added a new thread in the 'Technical Issues, Bugs and Feature Requests' forum for you to add any issues you find, any missing settings or just anything you'd like to see added/removed from the feature set that Xenforo offers. We will get to everything over the coming weeks so please be patient, but add anything at all to the thread I mention above and we promise to get to them over the next few days/weeks/months. In the meantime, please enjoy!

A tad of mirth

9fingers":2kxal9x1 said:
No word of a lie. I snapped this yesterday in the urology dept of my local hospital.

It lightened up an otherwise serious visit :lol:

Bob
Click to expand...

I think someone's taking the pi55!
 
Just back from panto. First time in probably 20 years.

Have you heard of the Spanish firefighting brothers?





Jose
In your best spanish acccent.


And







Wait for it





Its coming.




Scroll down a bit, its worth it.




Hose B
 
Fans of the Radio 4 programme "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" will be familiar with the Uxbridge English Dictionary. What they may not know is that there is now a French version as well.

Tarte au citron- kerb crawling in a 2CV
Canard- very difficult
Chateau Lafite- misjudging a French squat toilet
Derrière- Northern Irish folk song
Rhine - precipitation in Birmingham
Coq au vin - badly behaved Ford Transit driver
Haricot- Seb’s brother
Gaston- victim of someone’s flatulence
Toulouse- one upstairs, one downstairs
Chateaubriand - went to the bathroom at Brian’s
Chateauneuf du Pape- ninth visit to the toilet by my father
Citron pressé - written off
Coup de grace - lawn mower
Alsace - Albert's bottom
Mêlée - Scary Spice's older sister
l'eau de toilette - what my dog insists on drinking!
Fruits du mere - horse dung
Fin de cycle - The bike's knackered
Amuse bouche - highly entertaining topiary
Sacrebleu - I think you'd better get the doctor to look at that..
Mange Tout - exclamation of surprise when preceding the word "Rodney".
Cul de Sac - A trip to the vets for you, my lad
Charge d’affaires - bus conductor.
Besancon - Bloke from the Happy Mondays, with his lad
 
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
I found this story earlier, probably apocryphal, that tickled me more than it should. It was a tale about an English court where a German defendant (a lorry driver, I believe) claimed that he spoke no English (a likely story!), so the court would need a translator.
.
The magistrate asked if anyone within the court could speak German, and so obtain the defendant's name and other details.
.
Step forward a willing volunteer from the public gallery, proclaiming "I'll do it!"
.
The magistrate gave him permission to do so, whereupon he approached the dock, and in a loud voice in a mock German accent shouted:
.
“VOT ISS YOUR NAME?”
.
He was bound over for contempt of court, but declared “It was worth it!”
 
Just change the name to your bank .......... :lol:



NEDBANK-GROUP Bank
Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

A lady died this past January, and NEDBANK-GROUP bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been R0.00, now is somewhere around R60.00.

A family member placed a call to the NEDBANK-GROUP Bank:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

NEDBANK-GROUP : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

NEDBANK-GROUP : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

NEDBANK-GROUP : 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

NEDBANK-GROUP : 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'

NEDBANK-GROUP : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

NEDBANK-GROUP : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

NEDBANK-GROUP : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

NEDBANK-GROUP : 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

NEDBANK-GROUP : 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

NEDBANK-GROUP : 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

NEDBANK-GROUP : 'That might help.'

Family Member: Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 124 Centenary Rd, Pretoria, Plot Number 1049.'

NEDBANK-GROUP : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what do you do with dead people on your planet?'
 
IMG-5782.jpg
 
The last example of what the builder built is wrong. One of the ropes should be tied to the branch on the other side of the tree. :D
 
Your left leg I like, Mr. Spigot. :)

[youtubessl]njK6zQp2Fdk[/youtubessl]
 
Andyp":3leijlrp said:
One can never have enough of those two. Comedy geniuses.
Click to expand...

The word "Unidexter" is uniquely funny. I once googled it, and it only refers to use in this sketch and nowhere else. :lol:
 
Back in the 70's I got tickets to see the band Earth, Wind and Fire backstage.

I got to see Earth and Fire in the green room, and afterwards I got to pass Wind in the corridor.
 
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